When a dear family friend turned to homeopathy to “fix” his autistic child, it struck a painful chord for Mahima Sharma, Editor, The Think Pot—so far from the empathy generated and shown in Aamir Khan and Genelia Deshmukh’s Sitaare Zameen Par. This heartfelt interview was born to share truth, acceptance, and hope. In this raw, deeply personal interview at Visionary Voices this week, autism advocate and coach Gayatri Vathsan shares her journey from fear and denial to fierce acceptance. A mother, author and warrior for inclusion, she dismantles myths around autism, urges parents to stop ‘fixing’, and reveals how love—not labels—helped her raise a joy-filled child.
You once stood where many new parents of autistic children stand today—confused, scared, and perhaps in denial. What was that one turning point where you stopped looking for a ‘cure’ and started embracing your child as they are?
Gayatri: When my son, Krishna was first diagnosed as autistic, frankly, it was a shock to us. Till 4, he was a bubbly, bright, talkative little fellow demanding answers, showing off, questioning everything – all that you see in a neurotypical, bright little child. There were absolutely no signs that he may not be like every other child in our family. Then he started school. O the last day of the first week, he came out of class, his face all dirty and tearstained… He saw me waiting for him. He shook off his teacher’s hand and ran to me, clutching my knees. When I scooped him up, he buried his face in my neck and wouldn’t look up, wouldn’t let go. He held on to me for dear life.
I was shocked. I asked his teacher, “What happened?” She replied, “Krishna wanted to leave the classroom. We didn’t let him and locked the door. So he had a tantrum. See, we took a video!”
I was literally dumbstruck, as the teacher happily went on to show me the video. Krishna was in front of the whole class, who were silently watching him. He was crying and banging on the projector, thinking it was a door and he could open it. Or someone would open it. I watched, numb, as I too clutched my little boy tighter to me. I heard someone laugh in the background. The camera zoomed in on his tear-stained face, and the video cut off.
“But why didn’t you call me, Madam? This entire week I’ve been waiting in the reception from the time I dropped Krishna off. I also told you that this is the first time in his life that he is in such a large group of strangers.”
The teacher didn’t have a reply. Instead, she complained that Krishna kept jumping in class, wouldn’t speak, wouldn’t make eye contact, wouldn’t listen to instructions, kept pulling other children’s hair… “And why didn’t you tell me this entire week, Madam? Why did you wait till now?” No answer.
This episode triggred 6 months of severe separation anxiety in Krishna, where he needed to be carried 24×7 by either his father or me. He would scream if we tried to remove his clothes for a bath. He would get hysterical at the sound of running water. He reverted to
diapers and fought and struggled during each diaper change. We obviously took him for an evaluation, and the diagnosis came: Krishna is autistic.
It was quite a long journey to acceptance. We went through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining and depression… We too went through trying to “fix” our little Krishna. Astrologers, temples, religious “remedials,” pseudo healers, faith medicines… These actually did more harm than good. And the minute we saw this, we stopped.
We realized that at the core, at the root, we want Krishna to be happy. As healthy as possible. And none of what we tried achieved this. Krishna continued to be autistic, and his health became more delicate. So for us, the path to acceptance was love for Krishna, and the desire that he be happy. We always wanted – and want – what is best for him. For me, it became very simple.
Did trying to “fix” him work? No. And this failure was more depressing. Then came the question: Could I be the best mother to him if my mindset was crying and complaining all the time? The answer is, no. Did I like the person I had become? Always on the edge, full
of grief and rage and resentment? No!
And did Krishna really need “fixing?” If God/Fate/the Universe/destiny – call it what you will – decided that Krishna has to be different, couldn’t there actually be a purpose to it, that I couldn’t yet understand? Isn’t accepting him as he is, and then enabling him to the
best of my ability a challenge that all of us need to face together? Isn’t facing challenges the best way to shape one’s character? What if this was a diamond-level Karma, an opportunity for all of us to be triple-promoted in our soul’s journey of evolving? Krishna’s joy in life is something I’ve never seen before. This is his superpower, a most underestimated superpower, despite all of us wanting joy in one way or the other…
And that’s when I decided that I would tell myself a story that empowered and enabled me. That made me want to get up each morning with happy energy. That made me look for and implement every strategy, medical and therapeutic, that would enable Krishna be as happy and healthy as he can. And this was my way to acceptance.
Many parents still feed their children unproven alternative treatments—from restrictive diets to dangerous detoxes—in the hope of ‘fixing’ them. What do you want to say to those parents, especially as someone who may have once been tempted by the same path?
Gayatri: Dear parents, your child already faces so many challenges – whether it
is sensory issues, motor skills issues, language processing issues, or executive function issues. Your job is to support them, advocate for them, and guide them. To do this, you have to believe that your child is just different, not less. Different is difficult. Different is a lot of work. Different is never easy. But different isn’t less.
- If you believe this, then you will look at everything from your
child’s perspective. - Does this diet lessen my child’s difficulty in sleeping/digesting/absorbing?
- Does this diet provide my child the nutrition they need to grow healthily?
- Is this detox proven to be safe?
- Is this detox proven to help?
- Is this detox process painful for my child?
From these answers, dear parents, figure out whether you are trying the alternative treatment to help your child or to meet your own desire to fit in with the rest of society with a “normal” child.
Your child is perfect as they are. Even if they have coexisting medical conditions. Your job is to enable your child as best you can. There is nothing you need to”fix” in them, because AUTISM IS A DISORDER, NOT A DISEASE!!
There is no magic cure for autism. You can manage specific symptoms, like sleep disorders or gut issues. And even these, to a certain extent only. If anyone claims they can “cure” autism, they are out to take advantage of your vulnerability as a parent. And many of these
treatments do harm rather than good in the long run.
Your child can teach you so much, if you pause to learn. Do not compare with anyone, whether your child is autistic or not. Take your child as a challenge for you to be the best version of yourself: remember that you can evolve only in the crucible, not in comfort. You
may say, “But I’d rather be comfortable!” Well, you don’t have that choice. Accept that there is a reason for the way things are, and then gear yourself up to meet the challenges!
How did society’s definition of a “normal child” influence your early responses to your child’s diagnosis? And how did you unlearn those labels to make space for your child’s authentic growth?
Gayatri: Frankly, it took time. We were still in the frame of reference where we have a child, watch him grow, put him in school, help him through college, etc. etc. This was normal life. And then there was Krishna’s first school experience. So strange, so different, so unexpected. Then came the diagnosis of autism. We had no idea what it meant, beyond vague associations with movies like Rainman and Taare Zameen Par. I remember the total despair Krishna’s father and I felt when we withdrew him from school. It felt as if we had sealed his future as hopeless. It felt as if we were absolutely alone, walking a dark path full of thorns.
That was fear and lack of knowledge talking in our minds. Autism is “scary.” People may call Krishna “mad.” He will be a math genius who doesn’t know how to take a bath. You know, all the myths about autism that we took as truth. Krishna began regressing in speech too. He had a lot of self-talk in which he used complex sentence structure and perfect grammar. No echolalia. But he wouldn’t respond if you asked him a question. He would solve any new puzzle-toy you gave him, and wouldn’t get up from his place till he did. But he wouldn’t look you in the eye and answer if you asked him what his name was. And I didn’t want people to think something was “wrong” with him. I couldn’t bear the thought of people labelling him as stupid or retarded. I remember jumping in with answers and leading questions whenever people tried to speak to Krishna.
It was even more devastating as Krishna continued to regress, and became completely non-speaking by the time he was 4.5 years old. At this point, My entire focus became Krishna. I stopped bothering about what people would think, because Krishna became my only priority. This helped me ignore the labels society gives. People would talk to Krishna and expect an answer. He would ignore them and do whatever he was doing. When they looked at me, puzzled, I’d reply, Krishna doesn’t speak. He is autistic. When i said this to people who knew Krishna when he was a chatterbox, I would break down and cry. But then that reaction too shifted. Krishna is so tremendously precious, such a trust and a gift, that other people’s frames of reference and definitions ceased to matter. And I learnt from him. Krishna doesn’t care who is watching him. If he’s happy, he laughs, jumps, claps. If he’s upset, he walks away and hides his face. He taught me then, that masks are foolish. Labels outgrow their use. And what truly matters is what you tell yourself when the other person has stopped talking.
Labels are only for us to identify challenges that people face. Neurodivergent, neurotypical: is like saying the grass is green and the sky is blue. Just facts, without any moral weight to them. It is definitely more challenging to bring up an autistic child, because our frames of reference are so different that just understanding our children is a challenge we face. But this is our main job! As a parent, what else are we here for, if not to understand our children, stand up for them, help them, and enable them?
We often talk about inclusion in schools, but what about inclusion in birthday parties, parks, or simple family gatherings? What small changes can families and communities make to truly include autistic children socially?
Gayatri: The simplest yet most profound form of inclusion: All people need to do is show empathy and love in a matter-of-fact practical way. And teach their children the same. In fact, many children know this instinctively.
In birthday parties, for example, suppose the autistic child has a meltdown. It could be the loud music, or too many people around, or talking too many people one after the other. The child may be perfectly comfortable in small groups of the same people. Sensory overload. In this case, can we ask them what they need? Many times the child cannot respond. So can we ask the parents….for…
A quiet corner.
A fidget toy.
Or perhaps just leaving.
Can we accept this with kindness and hold a judgement-free space for
the autism family?
And continue inviting them, with their permission?
Krishna’s second school was a wonderful empathetic space that included special needs children with neurotypical children in a practical and sensible way. I especially remember one episode: Krishna’s classes were over at about 12.30. I was walking him from his class, across the playground, to the gate. A class of older children were playing cricket. I held Krishna’s hand tightly and waited anxiously for a break in the game so that we could cross. Krishna was pulling at me trying to break free; he just wanted to run across. But the heavy cricket ball was flying around; how could I just let him dash across?
So I was trying to drag him back telling him to wait. One of the boys saw us and saw my predicament. “Wait,” he called out and ran to us. “Aunty, let me,” he said. He then scooped Krishna up in his arms and jogged across the playground, talking to him all the while. Krishna was wildly thrilled to by running mach faster than his little legs would let him. I rushed after the two of them… We crossed the playground and the boy put Krishna down. He patted his back and said, “Soon you’ll be playing cricket here!” He smiled at me and ran back to his game, as I called “thank you!” after him.
The boy’s gesture was simple. Matter-of-fact. Friendly. And powerfully inclusive.
Guilt can eat away at special-needs parents—guilt for not doing enough, doing too much, or not doing it ‘right’. How did you overcome that guilt, and how do you help other parents stop blaming themselves for their child’s condition?
Gayatri: Let me say that stomping down that pesky guilt is a full-time job for
me, even now! Especially the ” i am not doing enough” guilt. This is what I tell myself whenever guilt raises it’s head: Hindsight is always 20/20. We do the best we can, with what we know at the time.
Let’s say we made a mistake or mistakes.
We are human, not God. We make mistakes.
Can we learn from them so that we don’t repeat those mistakes in future?
Can we acknowledge the mistake, forgive ourselves, and move on?
Guilt is also a useless emotion. There’s nothing at all you can do to change the past. In the present, you never make mistakes on purpose. You do your best. And the future is not yours to see. So throw away the guilt and don’t waste mental and emotional energy on it!
What advice would you give to a parent who is still hiding their child’s diagnosis from relatives or neighbours out of fear or shame? How do we, as a society, move from silence to strength?
Gayatri: Well, this is something that I have personally never undergone, because I have never cared much forothers’ opinion when I know I am right. In Krishna’s case, I was 90% scared for him and myself. So I didn’t worry about what the 10% of my fear was about. I haven’t hidden his diagnosis from anyone at any time. Rather, it was the opposite: I actively told people that Krishna is autistic, and did they know any doctor/therapist/hospital/
Having shared this, this is what I have to say to parents who are anxious about telling people that their child is autistic:
Dear Parent, why do you feel shame? Do you believe those comments you fear, in some part of your mind? Your child is different, not less. Your child can learn, if you figure out what to teach them and how to teach them. Give yourself time and ask for help. If your child depends on others, it is an opportunity for those others to prove themselves to be wonderful human beings. The onus is on them, not on your child. So why do you cringe? Believe this. And remember, what is is important is what you tell yourself after the others have fallen silent. Tell yourself the truth: your child is different, never less. If you face every challenge of the situation along with your child, both of you are growing into absolutely beautiful human beings. Believe this with all your heart and soul.
And even more important: believe in people. Give them the chance to rise beautifully to the occasion and support you as best they can. If you never tell them, how will you give them the chance to become a part of the community you need to build for your child?! Think…and act!
As an advocate and guide to other parents now, what are three concrete things every parent of an autistic child should stop doing today—and three things they must start doing instead, to raise not just a child, but a more accepting world?
Gayatri: Today, I have to share from my own lived experience till now with my Krishna:
1. There is nothing in your child to “fix” or “cure.” Stop trying to.
2. Your child maybe autistic but is still a child. Stop interacting
all the time from the “therapy” angle.
3. Autism just is. Stop trying to apologize for this each time to everyone.
So what should you do?
1. Accept your child for all that they are.
2. Meet society’s myths/misconceptions/ prejudices openly, with a smile.
3. Support and advocate for your child, always. You can be strict, as you would with a neurotypical child. But never ever let them doubt your love, or that you are always in their corner.
IF THIS INTERVIEW HAS STRUCK A CHORD IN YOUR HEART, PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO SHARE IT, it will helps parents of an Autistic Child, shun the shame and better treat their own seed, to blossom into a happier flower!
About Gayatri Vathsan: Gayatri is a post graduate in Physics from IIT-M, an instructional designer, an author, and now a life coach for autism parents, and a passionate autism advocate.
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this interview are the personal opinions of the interviewee. The facts and opinions appearing in the answers – the Think Pot does not hold any responsibility or liability for the same. Readers’ discretion required; medical advice as per Autism Experts also needs to be kept in mind.